What you're reading right now is known as the "cover copy," or "flap copy." This is where the 84,951 words of my latest book are cooked down to 350 words or less to capture your imagination.
I pondered how to do that. Should I cut to the chase and reveal pivotal plot points like the one at the end of the book where the little girl on crutches points an accusing finger and shouts, "the killer is Mr. Porter"? No. I have too much respect for you as an intelligent consumer to attempt such an obvious ruse. But, let's not play games here. You clicked your way to this page, so you either:
A. Know who I am. B. Like the cool smoking jacket I'm wearing on the cover. Or: C. Thought this was a secret link to Ashley Madison.
Is it a sequel to my autobiography If Chins Could Kill: Confessions of a B Movie Actor? Sadly, no, which made it much harder to write. Is it an "autobiographical novel"? Yes. I am the lead character in the story (coincidentally an actor), and I am a real person, and everything in the book actually happened - except for the stuff that didn't. The action revolves around my preparations for a pivotal role in the A-list relationship film, Let's Make Love!
My Homeric attempt to break through the glass ceiling of B-grade genre fair is hampered by a vengeful studio executive and a production that becomes infected by something called the "B-movie virus" -symptoms of which include excessive use of cheesy special effects, slapstick, and projectile vomiting.
From a violent fistfight with a Buddhist, to a life-altering stint in federal prison, this novel has it all. And, if the 84,951 words are too time-consuming, there are lots and lots of cool graphics, all of which have been upgraded to vibrant color since the first publication.
I hope you enjoy the book, and if you learn anything at all about making love, please share it with me!
